Sleepless Dreams
by LaraWinner
Summary: Edward pov. Takes place in chapter 27 of Eclipse. Watching Bella sleep, Edward contemplates her choice to remain by his side while facing his doubts and her love for Jacob.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters used in this fic, nor the excerpts taken from the book Eclipse. Those rights belong to Stephenie Meyer. If I ever win the lottery I may try to rent Edward though…

Sleepless Dreams

By: Lara Winner

* * *

Watching Bella sleep was usually a therapeutic experience for me. I suppose I could compare it to a deeply restorative meditation, soothing and… enlightening.

And what else is there to do at night?

Tonight, however, I'm forced to face my demons in the darkness as I watch the tear stains slowly dry on her cheeks. A sense of déjà vu assails me as I recall a similar night, not so very long ago, when I had an equally painful decision to make. My only consolation is that I learned a great deal from _that_ colossal mistake.

I gently remove myself from her side and tuck the faded quilt around her. I press a kiss to her brow and then step over to the window. I can't think clearly with the scent of her tears nearly suffocating me. I open the window just enough to let a draft of damp air enter the room.

I sink to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest as I let my head fall back. I continue to study her, wondering if I am imagining the heartbroken twist to her features not even erased in sleep. The knot in my stomach tightens.

I swore I would never hurt Bella again. Seems I can't keep that promise no matter how hard I try. I've never seen her in such pain. Not even the day I left. As much as that realization stings it's harder to swallow exactly what the acknowledgement implies. Her feelings for Jacob are stronger than I feared.

For a long time I sit in the darkness replaying every moment since our return from Italy. Through them all there was one common factor that nestled like a thorn in my heart. Jacob Black.

I'm not a fool. My feelings for Bella may blind me on occasion and my ninety-odd years walking this earth have blessed me with a great deal of patience and understanding, but I am not pretentious enough to believe that my hold on Bella is unshakable. I love her more than my life and sadly that love is all I can offer her.

Not for the first time- and I know myself well enough to wager it will not be the last- I take stock of the advantages that Jacob has. For one he's alive. He still has a soul and a pulse. Jacob can age, he could give her a semi-normal life. He could give her children.

The odd ache in my chest intensifies and I draw in a ragged breath. It's not easy for me to face my failings. It's because of these simple things that Bella could want and need someday, things that I can never give her. Does Bella understand what Rosalie was trying to explain? Does she understand that one day I won't be enough to satisfy her? If her tears tonight are any indication, I'm not enough now.

I detest feeling jealous. It's a nasty feeling that starts in the gut and burns its way up to your heart where it explodes into irrational fury. But how can I help myself? Jealousy churns inside of me as I am forced to see where Jacob would be better suited to give Bella the life she deserves. Hell, even Mike Newton is better suited.

I suppose the million dollar question is how much do I love Bella? Enough to put her happiness before my own? Enough to let her go?

It was easier to say yes to those vile questions when Jacob hesitated and when I had a fighting chance. Now I don't feel particularly victorious. Actually, I feel sick.

Could I let her go? If Jacob can bring her happiness am I strong enough to watch them from a distance and not interfere? Could I give him a year to try? For her sake, do I have a choice?

A soft sigh disrupts the hushed quiet and Bella curls up into a little ball under her quilt. I reach to close the window, worried that the slight dampness has chilled her, when she whimpers.

"Jake…"

I close my eyes not wanting to hear this. I vowed not to leave her tonight and I will not. I'll keep my word but I'm thinking this may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

The bed springs creak quietly as she shifts again, restlessly this time. I look over just as her beautiful face crumples with grief. "Can't… Jake…"

There is longing in her voice as she breathes his name. I try to swallow but I can't. I'm not ready. I knew it would come to this. At some time, in some way I was going to pay dearly for every mistake I've made by her. I thought I was prepared, but I'm not. Not even close.

My fists clench and I hug my legs tightly as my feelings of helplessness manifest in a way I am familiar with. All consuming anger.

"You deserve this damn it!" I remind myself softly. "It's what you get for being an absolute imbecile."

Bella turns again, the quilt twisting about her waist. "My Jacob… Jake…"

I'm so furious I could break something, preferably Jacob Black's skull. But my rage is not directed at him so much as at myself. My jealousy is another matter.

Perversely, I wonder what she's dreaming. Is she telling him goodbye? Or is she dreaming of the better times they had, when I was nothing more than an unwanted memory?

_Mostly I tried not to think of you…_

Her admission echoes in my head like a bad movie line and I force it away, but the damage is done. When I could think of nothing but her she could barely stand the thought of me. Like today, when she kissed him. Bella wasn't thinking of me then either.

I've enough humanity in me to feel betrayed, even when I have no right. Still, my anger is not directed at her. It remains focused at myself, where it belongs.

I made his company a necessity for her. If I had never left then none of this would be happening. Jacob would not be my rival. Bella would not love him. I would not be sitting here in the dark feeling like I'm dying because of it.

If only I'd never left in the first place.

But that's not right either. Being gone wasn't the problem. Bella would have survived. Jacob Black would have seen to that. Maybe she wouldn't have problem wearing his ring.

I should have stayed gone from the beginning. That would have been the right thing to do. Bella would have had an endless array of advantageous opportunities. Her future could have taken any direction she chose. But choices are half chance. I was never worth the risks she took to be with me. And now she's making yet another grave mistake.

I want to reach out and touch her, to stroke her hair and smooth the wrinkle in her brow. But I don't dare. My emotions are raging, volatile at best and my hands are trembling from the effort to rein them in. I would die a thousand deaths before I harmed her in any way.

But is that not exactly what I'm doing now? Being here with Bella and making her choose between the mongrel and myself, causing her a pain so great it hurts just to witness-

Bella cries out softly, the sound half muffled against her pillow. Her legs thrash and her head shakes as she mumbles, "Love you Jake…"

Oh god.

I could have lived the rest of my existence without hearing those particular words. And now that I have, what do I do with them? Let them hang over my head like a figurative nose waiting to choke the life out of me? Or do I lie and feign ignorance until her feelings become a tedious burden I can no longer bear?

I could do it. It's pathetic and maybe even a little sick, but I could endure any measure of hell to be with her. Anything would be better than being without her.

Absurd. Unequivocally, ironically and wretchedly absurd.

"What did you expect, happily ever after?" I ask myself as my lips curl in a humorless smile.

For a moment I had. I proposed and Bella accepted, albeit reluctantly. Still, for one night I was luckiest guy in the world. Was that only two nights ago? Seems like a lifetime since we were in my room, just the two of us.

I feel the ring in my pocket reminding me that my aspirations are nonsensical and derived from fantasy. _All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream._ I recall the line from my favorite poem and grimace. How foolish of _me_, a vampire, to yearn for things so distinctly human. Ridiculous really.

Bella moves restlessly again, this time clutching at her pillow. I listen closely afraid of what her dreams will reveal next. "Emily… Sam…" She whispers brokenly, "Doesn't change anything…"

My muscles relax fractionally as her ramblings take a confusing turn. I wonder what she means by saying nothing is changed?

Because everything is changed. Her world and mine have spun upside down and it can't be undone. Because of Bella I will never be the same again. Jacob Black won't be either. In this I can summon up a smidgen of sympathy for the kid. I bet he never knew what hit him. I sure didn't.

And I don't think I can let her go. If she asked me to leave I could. If I knew that was what she truly wanted, I could be strong enough to walk out of her life. But it would have to be her choice. I would have to know she meant it.

One thing I can do is give her options. I've already told her and I will tell her again. She can have all of me or none at all. I won't make it harder for her. I won't hurt her by holding on. My pain is my own to deal with. Bella needs to know she has a choice and a second chance to make the right one.

My plans are far braver than I feel.

It's Bella's heartbeat that catches my attention this time. Slowly but steadily it begins to increase it's rhythm until her pulse is racing. Her breath begins to catch in short, shaky little gasps. Her expression is no longer sorrowful, now it's terrified. Even as I'm moving toward her, Bella calls out my name.

Hearing it I feel something inside of me release and the tangled tumult of my emotions begins to ease to a manageable level. I crawl into her small bed and pull her into my arms. She snuggles closer and I press a light kiss to her brow, stroking her hair in an attempt to calm her. I start to hum her lullaby quietly.

After a moment she sighs and already I can hear her pulse slowing to a healthier pace. She mumbles my name again and after another long moment her breathing deepens. I continue to hum until I am sure she's sleeping dreamlessly.

The conflict between right and wrong continues to rage inside of me but on a whole there is a comfort in holding Bella so close. I watch the inky clouds move across the sky through her window with the familiar drone of Charlie's snoring in the background. This is as much home to me as being with my family. It's a balm after the stress of last night and today.

I lay there beside her until the sky lightens. I hear Charlie get up and begin is daily routine. I'm forced to leave her side and childishly hide in her closet when Charlie checks on her before leaving the house.

I'm once again holding Bella when, two hours later, she wakens. I tense ready, for a fresh round of tears. But when she looks at me her chocolate eyes are clear and dry.

"Hi." She croaks. Sleep has given her voice a rough, sultry edge.

I try to ignore that while anxiously waiting to see what she will do next.

"No. I'm fine." She amends, "That won't happen again."

Her words are apologetic, as if she has anything to apologize for. But I'm thinking of last night and the wracking sobs that shook her entire body no matter how tightly I held her. The heartbroken sound is still with me and I feel guilty. I feel rightfully responsible for her pain.

I'm not sure what my face gave away but Bella's expression mirrors my guilt as she says, "I'm sorry you had to see that. That wasn't fair to you."

I'm the last person she should be concerned about. After everything I've put her through, I deserve this. And that is exactly why I have to give her one more chance to change her mind.

Taking her face between my hands I watch her eyes intently, searching. "Bella…." The words are hard, but I say them anyway. "Are you_ sure?_ Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain-" The last word sticks in my throat.

Something dark flickers across Bella's face, but it's gone before I can read it. Her fingertips brush across my lips, feather light. Her eyes are determined. "Yes."

Still, I can't get the memory of her heartbreak out of my mind.

"I don't know…" I frown. "If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing for you?"

"Edward, I know who I can't live without." She replies earnestly.

"But…" I can't bring myself to say more.

"You don't understand." She says with a definite shake of her head. "You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that's what's best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It's the only way I can live."

I want more than anything to believe her. And I do. But Bella has never been one for thinking of her future- realistically, that is. What she feels now could change. It should change. She doesn't really understand what she's asking…

"Hand me that book, will you?" she asks, pointing over my shoulder.

As usual, her reaction confounds me. Right now I would give my left arm to know what she's thinking. Since that is not really an option and I would regret the missing appendage later, we sit up and I hand her the book trying not to roll my eyes as I notice the cover. Wuthering Heights. "This again?"

"I just wanted to find this one part I remembered… to see how she said it…" Bella explains as she flips through the pages. "Cathy's a monster but there were a few things she got right… 'If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.'" She nods to accentuate her point. "I know exactly what she means. And I know who I can't live without."

I take the book and toss it back onto her desk. I pull Bella into my arms and can't help the feelings of rightness that fills me. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not all that wrong for her…

"Heathcliff had his moments too." I say, pulling her even closer to whisper the words that I mean with all my heart. "I _cannot_ live without my life! I _cannot_ live without my soul!"

"Yes," She agrees seriously. "That's my point."

But I have to make sure she knows… that she understands… "Bella, I can't stand for you to be miserable. Maybe…"

Yet no matter how I try I can't bring myself to admit that she could do better with Jacob Black. It's as if saying the words would make them truth. I can't.

"No Edward. I've made a real mess of things and I'm going to have to live with that. But I know what I want and what I need… and what I'm going to do now."

There was no hint of hesitation, in her voice or her eyes. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen them as clear as they are right now. In the face of such certainty, how could I doubt her?

I grinned. "What are _we_ going to do now?"

Her answering smile is timid but happy. Then she sighed. "We are going to see Alice."

I want to ask if that is a good idea, since I can give a fairly educated guess as to why she mentions seeing Alice with a clearly resigned look in her face, but I don't. I'll trust her judgment for the moment.

Instead, I lean closer and place a kiss just below her ear. Then another on the curve of her jaw and breathe deeply. And then another on the corner of her mouth. But before I give her a proper kiss, I look into her heavy eyes and ask, "You know I love you more than anything and everything, right?"

Our lips are so close I feel hers brush mine as she smiles, a wider smile this time, looping her arms around my neck. "And I still love you more."

"Hmph, hardly-"

But there's no need to say more. Her kiss says it all.

* * *

A.N. – Obviously I love Edward. This is another scene where I've wondered what was going through his mind as he watched Bella sleep. After just coming from breaking things off with Jacob, I couldn't imagine Edward being quite as calm as he pretended and of course Bella's sleep talking would have taken an interesting turn after the day's events…

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." "A Dream within a Dream" by: Edgar Allan Poe

Hope it was enjoyable and not too OOC. Thanks for reading.


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